Coffee

Japanese coffee is foul.

There, I’ve said it. Harsh, I know, but certain home truths cannot be denied.

The Japanese do many things very well, including lots of delicious foody things (all of which I intend to describe in loving detail in the coming months)—however coffee is not one of them.

Even in cosmopolitan Tokyo, the closest approximation to a decent coffee that I have come across was Starbucks, which just goes to show the extent of the crisis. Down in country Mihara, of course, there is no such thing as Starbucks, and the best we can expect is the so-called “café latte” at Mr. Donuts that comes piped out of a press-button machine. At least it contains real milk, for which we must be grateful. Part of the problem with coffee in Japan is that they don’t do milk; generally you get either evil milk powder (such as the wonderfully named Creap) or, even worse, a tiny capsule of white oil that bears no resemblance whatsoever to dairy produce yet goes by the name “milk”. This stuff looks like white paint stirred through your coffee and tastes much the same. It makes UHT milk seem like farm-fresh produce in comparison.

Mihara does have a number of ordinary café type establishments as opposed to the chain stores such as Dotour and Mr Donuts, but in my experience you usually end up paying ¥500 for a cup of watered-down coal tar and are unlikely to score anything dairy-like to go with it. (Although I really should do my research before writing them all off like this. Stay tuned for further updates.)

I remember back in the bad old days, when Mr. Donuts only offered black coffee with white paint, I used to make a habit of buying a 200-ml mini milk at the -7-11 first. Sure it was a waste of about 170 ml of milk, but at least I could service my coffee addiction without feeling physically ill. At least today, in the enlightened 21^st century, I am spared the indignity of having to decant milk at the table but if Mr. Donuts coffee is the the best Mihara can manage then something’s not right.

Because your typical Japanese coffee still tastes like a cup of crude oil with white paint stirred through it. And they want to charge you money for that! I reckon I should be charging them for toxic waste removal, but I guess I could just exercise my sovereign right not to buy a coffee in the first place. Which is all very well except that I am pretty much addicted to coffee and can’t give it up that easily.

One final word of warning: the very worst, the very foulest coffee to be found in Japan, is the stuff they offer up on the Shinkansen (bullet train). It is truly evil; I would go so far as to say that it is even worse than airline coffee. Governments should have it on their tourist advisory warnings: by all means go to Japan, but stay away from the Shinkansen coffee. I should know: as I type this I’m sitting on the Shinkansen trying to digest a cup of whitened crude oil that I didn’t need and rather wish I hadn’t ordered. Next time, I swear I’m going cold turkey.